The Promise of Spring

Chapter 1: Too Weak To End

As far as I remember, I was always suicidal. Of course, when I was really little, I didn’t know the concept of life or death, but I always wanted to disappear and be gone. I had a family but no matter who was there or not there, I felt alone, empty, invisible, and lost. I always thought that I was wrong to be there as if I was mistakenly dropped on the wrong planet. I was certain that I didn’t belong there. 

If I were to describe my childhood, I’d say I was fed upon criticism and breathed the breath of loneliness. Both my parents worked. Since I was six years old, my house key was hanging from my school backpack and I came to an empty house, looked for something to eat, and spent silent hours alone.

My Dad was one of the typical fathers who worked so many hours every day and never home, but he was always sweet to me. Always smiling and he never could say “no” to his daughter. My earliest memory is a few days after my brother was born when I was three and a half years old. I was walking with my Dad to the clinic to see my mother and newborn baby brother. 

It must have been late afternoon when the evening was getting ready to take over the sky. I remember the ambiguous air. My Dad was holding my left hand and walking in little steps to walk with his little daughter. My small hand felt safe in his big hand holding so gently. Then, I spotted a little kitty crossing ahead of us and I said to him, “Is the kitty going home too?” He responded sweetly, “Hmm… I wonder if he’s going home too.”  I don’t remember if I looked at his face, but I remember feeling his sweetness and his love for his daughter in a way that he only knew. 

As if to compensate for my Dad’s sweetness, my mother always had strong opinions and wasn’t afraid to express herself. If they argued, I heard only her voice revolving like a machine gun. Bullets of words were shooting out with no hesitation. Here and there, I heard my Dad saying, “Well….” or “But…” As a child, I never understood why they got married until I was a teenager. When I was born, they hadn’t been married as long as my mother was pregnant with me. I also learned that I was wished to be terminated, but somebody greater than anybody was determined that I would live.

My baby brother was only two years old when he was left for most of his days at daycare. He was a very quiet child who didn’t know how to talk. I remember he kept swallowing something every time he was told to speak. Each time he swallowed, he shut his eyes as if he was trying to gather all his strength. I didn’t quite understand but I sensed his pain. I knew he was struggling and I felt sorry for him. Now I believe he was choking on his words. When he started grade school, he got his house key hanging from his school backpack just like I did. We came to our empty home and breathed quietly, together but both spending silent hours alone.

There were so many times I just wanted to end existing this empty existence and be gone. I knew I didn’t belong. It was a mistake and I was a void. Many times I made a plan but I was too scared. One evening when I was a teenager, I thought I’d cut myself but I was terrified of pain, so I thought I’d sharpen the knife. I wanted it to be fast, smooth, and easy. The last thing I wanted was to struggle with a dull knife that had cut somewhat but not enough that I would remain conscious with extreme pain. 

As I was sharpening my mother’s iron knife by the kitchen sink, I was thinking “Wrist or neck?” My Dad was watching TV nearby. He asked me with his usual gentle voice and smile, “What are you doing there?” I made the best fake smile and said as casually as I could, “I’m sharpening the knife” as if I was helping in the house. I remember wishing he would invite me to sit with him. I didn’t care what program he was watching. It could’ve been the most boring show or I would even stare at a blank screen if I could feel the connection with him at that very moment. 

Decades later I had a regression during a hypnotherapy session and this scene, sharpening the knife, came up. I wasn’t sure why I went back to the scene, but my subconscious mind spoke on behalf of my logical mind. I was shocked to hear what my inner child said, “I wanted to be his whole world.” 

*****

Looking back, I believe I had always been in tune with my psychic senses, especially claircognizance. Little by little I started to learn about a lost soul who was coming after me. She and I were in a love triangle in our past lives. I ran away with her husband while she was pregnant with their first baby and she ended her life, therefore, her baby’s life as well. When her husband reincarnated I followed him six months later, but she was not allowed to have another life. 

When I was three years old, my family moved about 30 miles to a small town where he lived. He and I met in the 3rd grade and at first sight, I liked him. My eyes kept following him. During the break at school or events in the community, I looked for him. When I saw him, it was a good day. When I didn’t, my heart deflated. If I walked by him or said “Hi” to him or my eyes met his eyes, oh… I was gone to the moon all day! After five years of wishing and dreaming, he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were fourteen years old. 

When we were fifteen, we went hiking by the ocean and the hiking trail was on a high cliff. We decided to take a break and he sat on a rock nearby. I stood and looked around. I saw the deep blue sky stretched high above, a vast horizon beyond, and the water was so rich and nourishing. The colors were so vivid and it was one beautiful day, yet my heart was hollow. I always had this deep bottomless sadness, and I felt alone even in a relationship with the soul I followed. 

Somehow, I felt so drawn to the edge of the cliff. I walked over. There was no handrail or fence. I stood at the edge of the high cliff and looked down. Beneath me, the same water that was rich and nourishing a moment ago was now violently crashing against the rocks, and I heard the voices from down there calling to me, “Come down. Come down” and I saw their hands and arms inviting me to jump off and join them. I felt as though I was being pulled down like being sucked into a portal. 

I looked back to find my boyfriend who was sitting a little far. He was watching me. His eyes met mine and silently said, “No, you won’t. I know you won’t. What are you doing there? Come over here.” I kept my eyes on his eyes as if this connection was my lifeline. I turned around and walked away from the edge.

He and I were so certain of each other and we were ready to marry as soon as we were able to. Our souls wanted to manifest what we couldn’t in the past life, but there were so many obstacles. The woman, the lost soul, was so determined to separate us. After a little over three years, we broke up. But of course, this wasn’t the end of our misery. She was following me wherever I went. 

One late night in my early twenties, I was driving and a big truck was about to hit my little car from behind. I thought this was the end. The truck was coming so fast. But in that very instant, I felt a bubble of protection wrapped around my car and swept me away from the imminent deadly crash. I felt her white slender hand stretching out from behind, trying to grab my hair, wanting to drag me into her dark world but she barely missed me. The moment I knew I escaped her hand, I heard her thundering scream of rage. While all this was happening quickly though, I felt like I was watching a film in slow motion rather than experiencing it. 

One evening in my thirties, I was playing my piano. Out of nowhere, I felt a sharp razor blade on my upper arms like paper cuts. I sensed several streaks of cuts one line at a time, first on my right and then left. It all happened very quickly. I thought it was strange. There was nobody around me, not even a bug. Sitting on my piano bench, I stared at my arms trying to figure it out. I felt the burning pain but I didn’t see any visible signs on my skin. Soon, long red lines appeared where I felt the cuts. They became swollen and looked like long worms. Several days later, I started to have scabs where the cuts were and realized what a lost soul without a body can do in the physical world. 

By then, I knew I had to do something about the lost soul. I did everything I could think of. Praying for her. Apologizing and asking her for forgiveness. Arguing with her that she wouldn’t be happy by making me miserable. Trying to persuade her to go back to the light for her own sake. Nothing worked. Rather, my attempts to communicate with her only aggravated her wrath and fueled her determination.

There were so many times that I cried uncontrollably with sharp piercing pain in my heart. It felt as though my heart was bleeding. Then there were many other times I suffered in deafening silence without being able to cry. I was too numb to feel.

One bright afternoon in my forties, I was doing laundry. Unexplainable sadness was so overwhelming that I was just doing the chore without thinking or feeling. All of a sudden, I started to suffocate while I was still breathing. I felt as though my body was slowly shutting down and stopped absorbing oxygen. I started to breathe each breath consciously but I was still getting out of breath. I helped myself sit down and told myself, “Breathe in…. Breathe out….” I never knew breathing could be such heavy hard labor. I felt relieved when tears started to flow out of my eyes. I could cry and I allowed myself to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I felt relieved to breathe while I didn’t want to exist anymore. I was upset, confused, lost, and alone. 

There were so many nights I wished I wouldn’t wake up the next day. There were times that I wished I was terminally ill. I could blame the illness and I could die righteously. I wanted something else that could do the job for me. I was too scared to finish myself and too overwhelmed to live another day. I felt like a failure either way and both ways. But I also knew I had to live a little longer for my son who still needed a mother. I was afraid to imagine that he would become motherless. I wasn’t the best mother he deserved but still was a mother. When I imagined how he would react to finding me dead to suicide and how it would traumatize him, I felt horrible. So, I told myself, “Just a few more years.” But the truth was, I was simply afraid to commit the act. My son gave me an excuse to not do it just yet. He kept me alive.

Chapter 2: From Pain to Understanding, and then to Healing

Ever since I was a teenager, I was so drawn to hypnosis, particularly past life regression. In my forties, I read many books about past life regressions and imagined how a session would be if I had taken one. I had a combination of desire and hesitation, but after many miserable years, I surrendered and decided to have my first past life regression. This was my first hypnosis ever.

I requested an evening appointment. The session started with frustration. I kept saying “I can’t see anything.” All the answers I responded to my facilitator were the “facts” I already knew. I anticipated that I’d see the scenes, hear the conversations, and learn something new that held the key to resolving the issue. I had built too many expectations from anticipating so much. At some point in the session, however, I started crying for no apparent reason but the overwhelming emotion was so real. 

The session lasted for four hours and towards the end of the session, I was so tired from being disappointed in myself and crying so much. I finally let go of the expectation. I just gave up. Now as a certified hypnotherapist and energy healer, I would say this was exactly what I needed: Let go and relax.

It was at this moment that I saw the spirit of the lost woman riding on my dragon far in the distance above the ocean by a high cliff. I saw her happy face in the bright blue sky. She was smiling and she was free. I knew that the heavy chains of her rage that had been binding us down were finally broken off. She was ready to go back to the Light. She had chosen to let the past go, the past that held us in the heavy darkness. I cried more but this time I cried out of joy and relief.

My facilitator suggested that I have a little ceremony for her. A week later, I went to a high cliff by the ocean with a statue of a dragon for her. This time, there was a wooden fence. I climbed over the fence and went by the edge. I sat down, offered her my dragon, closed my eyes, and had a sacred moment to dedicate to her. The final moment of a long-lasting heart-piercing battle was over. Who knows how many centuries it had been for our souls?

When I opened my eyes from the sacred silence, I said to her, “Please be happy.” At this moment, I saw a beautiful lovely pink energy right in front of me and heard her voice, “You too.” What a gentle, peaceful, and loving voice it was compared to the dreadful scream my ears remembered from years ago. What a different energy her voice carried. My head bowed down in humility and gratitude.

Before I left the spot, I asked myself if I wanted to look down from the cliff. I still remembered the arms and voices, but I chose to witness what was going to unfold. I sat close to the edge so I wouldn’t fall by accident. I slowly looked down. I saw the water slapping the shores and creating white foams. No arms nor voices. I looked up at the hazy sky. The past life regression saved us both from the miserable curse that carried from a long long past. 

A few days later, I realized that I was feeling light in my heart, and for the very first time in my life, I was happy to be alive. I had a hope to live. One past life regression lifted the years of suicidal ideation. 

Ever since then, the desire to end my life never came back to me and now I am completely confident that I will never let the desire shadow my heart. The past life regression freed both of us from the darkness and led us to the light. Once you see the light, you will never lose it again because it’s not anywhere out there that you can lose sight of. It is within you. Your soul is the Light. 

Out of the long painful spiritual journey, I found my life’s purpose: Healing. I believe that we were all born to heal, find happiness, and become who we truly are. I am deeply grateful for the painful experiences that tore my heart and soul. The pain pushed me out of the darkness and the same pain gave me strength. 

Chapter 3: You Are Healing

Where are you in your spiritual journey? Have you found your direction or are you feeling uncertain? Wherever you are and however you are feeling, you are doing great. Remember, healing continues. We keep healing no matter how much we heal. You are meant to be where you are right now before you reach your destination. Please be kind to yourself. 

If you were to summit a mountain and started climbing up, you wouldn’t beat yourself up for not having reached the top yet, right? You take one step at a time and that’s all you can. In fact, you don’t want to skip all the steps to get there. If you did, reaching the summit gives you no gratification. You take each step and because you do, every step adds to the satisfaction and meaningfulness. It’s the same with the healing journey. Every step you are taking right now adds to your joy and happiness. It’s alright if you need to rest. It’s okay if all you can do at the moment is just breathe. You are doing a stellar job and I am proud of you. Take your time and keep the vision. Life is not a race.

Now that being said, I’d like to share the “shortcut” to healing with you. Let’s talk about forgiveness, for example. You may be telling yourself, “I should forgive him because he apologized” or “I need to forgive her because it’s only hurting me.”  Here is the thing: You cannot find forgiveness with logic. 

Before rushing into forgiveness or criticizing yourself for being unable to forgive, get in touch with your emotions. Go deep. What do you feel? Anger, disappointment, jealousy, fear, loneliness…. When you go deep enough and look behind those emotions, you’ll find the hurt. You were wronged. It wasn’t fair and you got hurt. Acknowledge to yourself how much you were hurt and how much pain it caused you. Heal the hurt. Embrace yourself. When you heal the hurt, the hurtful emotions will dissolve and dissipate as the fog clears no matter how thick it is. Then, you’ll find forgiveness. Forgiveness will meet you. So, please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to heal from the pain. You were hurt.

Healing takes time. I believe we were all born to heal. In fact, we continue to heal. We chose to have this human experience and the hardships for our souls’ growth. Yes, we chose them. It is in our soul contracts. But, when you took your first breath as Baby You, your happiness was promised. Happiness is your birthright, and so is healing.

If you feel swallowed by loneliness and want to disappear, I understand you. I understand you in a way that non-suicidal cannot. We have hope in a totally different way. Probably, in a completely opposite way, so I will not talk about hope but I say, I will miss you. You may say, “You don’t even know me.” You are right. I may not have met you, but it doesn’t matter. It’s like the stars in the universe. I don’t know each star but every star makes my life more beautiful. You are an important part of my life in a way that you may not know yet. You are significant. You matter. And you belong. 

When I was suicidal, I always thought I was weak. Too weak to live and too weak to end. But now I know that it wasn’t my weakness. There is someone greater than me and that someone made sure that I would live. Why? I have a purpose to fulfill. You too, have your purpose. 

If you are struggling, the struggle is trying to teach you and lead you to what you are looking for. Please look deeper into the struggle. You may feel like your heart is ripping but keep digging. You will find the key to overcoming the struggle and finding happiness. You have the enormous strength you were born with and what you were born with is still within you. You just got disconnected. All you have to do is to reconnect with it. 

But of course, you don’t need to do this alone. No one deserves to suffer alone. I was helped by many souls in my healing journey and it’s my turn to help you. If you are in darkness, I will be in the darkness with you until you see the light. There is a light that you can see only in the darkest night. You are one of those who get to see the light. You are there because you have extraordinary power within you.

You are greater than you have ever imagined. When you overcome the struggles and look back at the path you walked, you’ll find all the tears you shed brightly shining for you. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. The Universe who sent you here believes in you. You are special, precious, and no matter what, priceless. You don’t need to be anybody else. You are meant to be you, the original you. You are enough just the way you are because you are perfectly imperfect.

Thank you for reading my words. It’s been my pleasure sharing this special moment with you. Trust the process. You are healing one breath at a time.